Wednesday, November 05, 2008

"Must separate the church and skate!"

Why stop at banning Gay Marriage? Let's vote how the old testament tells us. I think we need a amendment to our constitution to ban the eating of shell fish:

Leviticus 11 says:
9 These shall ye eat of all that are in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat.
10 And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you:
11 They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcasses in abomination.
12 Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you.

and while we're at it, let's enforce sacrifices of our purest male cattle:

Leviticus 1 says:

2: Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, If any man of you bring an offering unto the LORD, ye shall bring your offering of the cattle, even of the herd, and of the flock.
3: If his offering be a burnt sacrifice of the herd, let him offer a male without blemish: he shall offer it of his own voluntary will at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation before the LORD.

and who couldn't get behind banning wool mixed with linen (I'm looking at you Louet!) and bowl cuts, (sorry Beatles you're all burning in hell!):

Leviticus 19 says:

19: Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woolen come upon thee.

27: Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.

and once and for all, (right next to the text that says gay marriage should be legislated) let's make adultery a punishable crime and stop those heinous offerings to Molech!

Leviticus 18 says:

20: Moreover thou shalt not lie carnally with thy neighbor's wife, to defile thyself with her.
21: And thou shalt not let any of thy seed pass through the fire to Molech, neither shalt thou profane the name of thy God: I am the LORD.
22: Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.

52% of California, you disappoint me.

- NOFX Lyrics


Anonymous said...

"neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard"

I'm not at all sure that my beard has corners. How do I know whether I've marred them or not?


David Blume said...

I haven't been able to get past this all day. Now I wonder, legally, what is a man?